


Love Letters to You

by 126916912



Series: Unposted Works [5]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Love Letters, M/M, Miscommunication, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-27 09:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30120684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912
Summary: The envelope was addressed to Sangyeon. The note inside isn't necessarily for Sangyeon. Regardless of the content, Sangyeon suspects that Hyunjun knows exactly who the letter is from. And that is why Sangyeon won't ask.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Series: Unposted Works [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2216157
Kudos: 1





	Love Letters to You

Sangyeon suspects something is amiss when Hyunjun makes a big show of pretending not to see the square envelope with Sangyeon’s name and address printed carefully in silver ink. The envelope is hard to miss considering its lurid hue of pink and it is large enough to obscure Hyunjun entirely if Sangyeon holds it in the air between them. 

Sangyeon opens the envelope at the breakfast table. Inside there is a letter which he slides out of the conspicuous envelope, and there is a lot of glitter which scatters across Sangyeon’s lap, the chair, the floor, the table, and even in Sangyeon’s cereal bowl. 

"Who is it from?" Hyunjun asks, completely ignoring the cosmic sparkling of Sangyeon’s ruined breakfast. Sangyeon sighs. He unfolds the note. He absolutely does not laugh. 

"It doesn't say."

"What?" Hyunjun asks. He snatches the note from Sangyeon and his eyes zigzag across the page far too many times to simply be reading the words written on it. 

"Is there something on there in invisible ink?" Sangyeon asks. Hyunjun loosens his grip on the letter and passes it back to Sangyeon. 

"No. Sorry."

The letter reads, _'I'm in love with you, idiot.'_

Some part of Sangyeon wonders what the letter is in reference to. It sounds like the broken retort from a conversation just about anybody could have had. Except it was addressed to Sangyeon. Or the envelope was addressed to Sangyeon. The note inside isn't necessarily for Sangyeon. Regardless of the content, Sangyeon suspects that Hyunjun knows exactly who the letter is from. And that is why Sangyeon won't ask. 

There isn't enough milk remaining for another bowl of cereal so Sangyeon makes himself a round of toast and he doesn't mention the letter again.

💌

A week after the first letter arrives, Hyunjun is conveniently a sleepover guest in time for the next letter to arrive. Jacob missed last week's debacle so Sangyeon tries not to be too terse when he replies to Jacob's question about why a bin is necessary to open a letter. 

"You can open it if you like."

"But there are adorable little stickers all over the envelope. How could I steal a chance like this from you?" 

Sangyeon rolls his eyes. "The stickers aren't that cute."

Sangyeon is lying. The stickers are adorable but he isn't going to admit that. He is just careful not to tear them subtly without making it obvious. 

"What does it say?" Hyunjun asks. Sangyeon hasn't even taken the letter out of the envelope. 

"You're excited about this," Jacob points out. 

Sangyeon motions for Jacob to stop talking. He already knows exactly why Hyunjun is so excited about the letter. He opens the letter and reads it. This is longer than the other letter. Sangyeon folds the letter and puts it back inside the envelope. 

"Does it say something bad?" Hyunjun asks. 

Sangyeon shakes his head. The letter doesn't say anything bad at all. But it doesn't say anything he wants to share with everyone else. 

"There is nothing wrong with the letter. Let's get back to breakfast."

"That's it?" Jacob asks. "What is going on here?" 

"Someone keeps sending Sangyeon love letters," Hyunjun, the traitor, says. "Please, tell me what it says. I bet it is loads better than last week's letter!" 

"You got a letter last week?" Jacob asks. "A _love letter_."

Sangyeon returns to his breakfast but he can see that the subject won't be changed so easily. "It is obviously just a joke. Last week the envelope was basically a glitter bomb. This week, I can't quite work it out but — hey! That's private."

"Sangyeon," Jacob says as he scans the letter he plucked right out of Sangyeon’s fingers. He beckons Hyunjun closer and they both huddle around the letter. "Nobody would send you something like this as a joke. It is too cute."

"If it isn't a joke they have sent the letter to the wrong person," Sangyeon says. "I don't know what Halloween party they are talking about but I have never had a 'moment' like that with anyone."

"There's no address to return to sender so you'll just have to keep it."

"You really don't remember this party?" Jacob asks. "I remember it. You were dressed up as a turtle - and not even the ninja kind. Wasn't it some sort of couple costume with Younghoon?" 

"Younghoon was a tortoise and that was a coincidence," Sangyeon says. "I didn't kiss anyone either."

"No, Sangyeon," Hyunjun pipes up, "It just says that was when they realised how much they wanted to kiss you. If this person likes you this much and you had kissed at that time, do you think you would be together now?" 

"That party was three years ago," Sangyeon says, hoping that Hyunjun understands the emphasis he is putting on his words, "and considering the fact I have no idea who these letters are apparently from, I will have to settle for a no. No, I don't think I would still be with that person, and I also really hope that I don't receive any more of their love letters."

"Aw, Sangyeon, that's so mean. You're clearly breaking someone's heart. It is quite straightforward, I think they must really mean it."

"I'm not interested."

Jacob hands back the letter without further comment and Sangyeon hopes that Hyunjun’s silence signals the end of the letters. 

💌

Another letter arrives the next week. Hyunjun isn't even here so Sangyeon supposes it really must have been posted, but he can't for the life of him work out why. 

Jacob watches eagerly as Sangyeon opens the envelope. "Do you want to read it?" 

"Not before you," Jacob says. He makes a gesture and Sangyeon sighs. He reads the letter. It is shorter than the letter from last week, but it manages to be more coherent. 

The letter isn't about any fabricated moments about wanting to kiss anyone (even after three years, Sangyeon thinks he would recall some flirty conversation where he got a preview to a life of knowing someone who could understand him at his core). The third letter is about a very specific instance where Sangyeon patched up a friend after a fight. 

The night Jaehyun intervened in an already tense situation was almost as long ago as the Halloween party. But not quite as long. In the timeline of things that clearly did not happen, Jaehyun would already have thought about kissing Sangyeon before Sangyeon took him home and applied antiseptic to his wounds. 

Sangyeon puts the letter into the envelope and slides it away. 

"Am I not allowed to read it?" Jacob asks. 

"No."

"Why not? A minute ago you were offering to let me read it."

Sangyeon can't let Jacob read the letter. Jacob likes Jaehyun. They're good friends so he might even have heard about the night in question and match up more pieces of this mystery. Or maybe he hadn't but Sangyeon isn't willing to take the risk. 

💌

Hyunjun looks completely innocent and Sangyeon wonders whether the kid even realises he is here to have a serious conversation. Not wanting to put things off, especially considering irritation has been nipping at him since he received yesterday's letter, Sangyeon sets his drink aside and gets to the point. 

"Have you been sending me the letters?" 

Hyunjun pulls a funny face but he can't hold his laugh in for long. Yes, that's right, the ludicrous situation should be laughed at, no need to think about the stress gnawing at Sangyeon’s insides when confusion is keeping him awake at night. 

"Do you think I'm in love with you?" Hyunjun asks. 

"No. I know the letters weren't written by you. Are you the one sending them to me?" 

Hyunjun looks uncomfortable, all traces of mirth drained from his face. "I wasn't even sleeping over at yours yesterday. How could I be planting the letters? Someone is posting them to you."

Sangyeon smiles. He isn't annoyed. Or he isn't going to tell Hyunjun he is annoyed. Not yet. "I might be able to believe that, Hyunjun, if any of the envelopes were stamped. You're apparently a grown up but I am starting to doubt that if you don't understand that a letter needs a stamp for the postal service to deliver it. And then the stamp will be postmarked so that you can't reuse it. If you need any further advice on scams like this just let me know."

Hyunjun pouts behind the rim of his drink. The thing is, they are in a pub and it is ridiculous to watch him grumble about being a grown up when he is holding his pintglass with both hands. He's just cute enough that Sangyeon is saved from really getting irritated. 

"Does Jaehyun know that you're sending these letters? If it's a big prank I can pretend to be surprised at the big reveal," Sangyeon lies. There won't be a big reveal if he can help it. Despite the way he tries to present himself, Jaehyun has been a solid confidante over the years. He listens and gives sound advice and Sangyeon honestly feels as though everything will be alright whenever Jaehyun lends him an ear. But clearly it was part of Jaehyun’s cover. It is a shame to lose that aspect of the friendship but Sangyeon likes to think that maybe he is mature enough to get over it and continue being friends with Jaehyun afterwards, albeit a friend he doesn't speak candidly with. 

"What do you mean?" Hyunjun asks. It is disappointing that Hyunjun has taken Jaehyun's side without any sway but that's alright. Sangyeon won't hold it against him for too long. 

"I just wanted to know. You're all allowed to laugh at me, I just wanted to be able to expect it. That's all."

"We wouldn't do that, Sangyeon, none of us would!" Hyunjun protests frantically. The table trembles like a ship tossed around by tumultuous seas and Sangyeon struggles to prise away Hyunjun’s fingers to save their drinks. 

"You don't need to be so worried. I can take a joke. Besides, there is no point in being sorry for something you had to think so hard about doing. The stamps aside, it was a good plan for a joke."

"Sangyeon, stop it!" 

"No, you stop it, Hyunjun. You're going to spill our drinks." 

Hyunjun blinks down at the table and slips his hands away. When he looks back up at Sangyeon there is determination in his eyes. "Please believe me, it isn't a joke. Jaehyun really likes you."

Sangyeon sighs. He loves Hyunjun, he really does, but he doesn't love the way it feels hearing him continue with a lie for this prank. 

💌

Despite what he tells Hyunjun, Sangyeon can't wait. Instead he agrees to meet Jaehyun for drinks after work one day and he decides that he might as well bring the letters. They catch up, chat like everything is normal, and midway through the second round Sangyeon offers the cute and colourful envelopes. 

"What's this?" Jaehyun chuckles, "Are you showing off birthday cards or something? If you're hinting at something you'll have to ask nicely for me to put this much effort in."

Without waiting for a response, Jaehyun takes the first letter out of the envelope. His eyes widen momentarily and then he tears the next one out of its envelope. "How do you have these?" 

"Do you want to try that again?" Sangyeon asks with a casual sip from his drink. The bitterness settles nicely on his tongue before he lets Jaehyun know he has been caught. "Your name isn't on them. Shouldn't you at least pretend they're nothing to do with you?" 

Jaehyun shakes his head and clutches the three letters tightly. "Seriously, Sangyeon, how do you have these?" 

"Someone is sending them to me," Sangyeon says. "Obviously by 'someone' I am referring to whoever it is that you got together with to devise this prank."

"What prank? Do you think I would let someone else see these?" Jaehyun asks incredulously. He screws up the letters in his grip and his hand trembles as he reaches for the third letter. If Sangyeon wasn't so annoyed he would admit that guilt looks good on Jaehyun, the furious red of his ears is complemented by the vibrant heat in his face, but even fanning himself with the crumpled papers does nothing to diminish the furious flush. "This is so embarrassing. If you know who has been sending these, you have to tell me, Sangyeon."

"The kids."

Jaehyun pauses, eyes boggling as he stares across the table. "The kids-kids? Our kids? Why would they do this?" 

For all the time they had known each other, Sangyeon should have suspected that Jaehyun's commitment to acting like he isn't playing jokes on people would serve him well here. 

"They did it because you told them to, Jaehyun. It's fine, but please just do something different. I have been thinking and I don't want to be part of this."

"Why would I tell them to do this?" Jaehyun asks, too loud, almost genuine in his irritation. "You were never meant to see… Oh. That's fine. Haha. Yes, this was a big joke all along. Can we pick this up another time, Sangyeon? I just remembered I needed to be somewhere."

Sangyeon laughs. He would have expected a better excuse than the vague failure of no excuse being provided at all. He watches Jaehyun leave, struggling as he remembers to collect everything on his way. He's annoying. Sangyeon finishes his drink and wonders why he wishes things had gone differently. 

💌

Sangyeon receives three more letters. All three envelopes sit innocuously at the front door on the same morning and Sangyeon really has to wonder what is wrong with Jaehyun. Crouching at the front door, Sangyeon calls Jaehyun. 

"Hi, Sangyeon, are you okay?" 

Maybe there is a good reason Jaehyun sounds so apprehensive. Sangyeon doesn't usually call Jaehyun if they haven't been texting first. He wouldn't have a clue what this is about. Luckily, Sangyeon has a script that has been sent to him to make everything abundantly clear. 

" _'Lately I have been thinking a lot about the time we spend together,'_ " Sangyeon reads. " _'You have other friends who you spend more time with and other friends you must like more than me, but you told me something which made me immeasurably happy. You told me that you can tell me everything, that all of your worries are halved as soon as you share them with me. As nice as it was to learn that you felt comforted to tell me your troubles, that moment filled me with a sense of significance when I realised I was special to you in one tiny way. If I can't be the only one in your heart, I am glad to be the one in your mind when you need help.'_ "

Sangyeon stops reading and waits for a response. Jaehyun is silent. Maybe he needs to hear more. Sangyeon clears his throat. " _'When I think of you I become someone insatiably greedy. I crave every iota—'_ "

"Sangyeon." It sounds like the name tore itself right out of Jaehyun’s throat. It is enough for Sangyeon to keep quiet and see what Jaehyun has to say for himself. Jaehyun exhales, breath stilted and sharp through the phone. "Don't read anymore. Throw it away. Just ignore it."

"If I throw this one away I still have two more. Should I tell you what those say too?" 

"Please, just throw them all away."

"And what if I do? Are you going to send more of this nonsense?" 

"That's right, Sangyeon, it is nonsense. So ignore it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't exist," Jaehyun shouts. Jaehyun is quick-tempered so he shouts a lot but it isn't until this time that Sangyeon realises Jaehyun hasn't shouted at him for a long time. This is strange, but Sangyeon isn't going to shout back. 

"Will you end this now? Will you hurry up and tell everyone that you tricked me into thinking that I might have a secret admirer?" Sangyeon asks. Jacob peers into the hallway but Sangyeon waves him away with a terse smile. He is being patient now so he doesn't need Jacob asking what is wrong. 

"You were never meant to see any of those letters."

"Why? Because you changed your mind after planning out this trick and actually sending letters like this was too juvenile of a prank even for you?" Sangyeon suggests. 

"No," Jaehyun says, tight and sullen. "You were never meant to see them because I always knew that you wouldn't take my feelings seriously."

"Your feelings?" Sangyeon asks into the dead line. Sangyeon moves his phone from his ear and frowns at the screen innocuously telling him the time. He tries to call Jaehyun back but each attempt is rejected. 

💌

Sangyeon doesn't throw away the letters. He lost the first three letters but he has three more letters. These are less specific so Sangyeon doesn't bother trying to guess when they were written, but he is better off not knowing. 

The letters are too romantic. They don't sound like anything that could have come from Jaehyun but Sangyeon wonders why he knows so little about Jaehyun and his thoughts. 

Sangyeon calls Hyunjun. He is sitting in his room, not wanting to talk to Jacob and admit how confused he is. But Hyunjun might be able to shed some light on things. 

"Where did you find the letters?" 

"Have you spoken to Jaehyun?" 

"Yes. I don't think he's happy with you either," Sangyeon says. "Are these letters real?" 

"I already told you that they're real," Hyunjun grumbles. 

"I'm going to read one to you," Sangyeon says. " _'You told me something today which made me wonder if I am allowed to keep loving you the way I do. It wasn't anything big or impressive but it gave me hope._

_'You told me that you were thinking of me. You bought me a bag just because it reminded you of me. I think of you all the time so I was happy that you thought of me once. I want to make you more excited to see me. I want you to be excited to tell me about your day even if the same thing happens every time._

_'I want all of that but I am scared of all that too. I am happy like this. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for allowing me to be content with this much.'_ "

"I told you they were real," Hyunjun says. 

"He said I was never meant to see these letters because I don't take him seriously," Sangyeon says. "I feel sick, Hyunjun. Do you know how many times I have complained to him about my relationship problems or my work problems or the fact that I don't know how to help you kids? And then he has been writing letters like this? What does it mean?" 

"It means he loves you."

Sangyeon sighs. "Calling you was supposed to help. It isn't helping. What do I do?" 

Hyunjun hums and then asks, "Do you love him?" 

"How am I supposed to know something like that? Jaehyun isn't supposed to love me in the first place. This is all supposed to be a stupid joke."

"It was never a joke," Hyunjun points out. 

Sangyeon wants to tear his hair out. 

💌

"You look terrible," Juyeon says by way of greeting when Sangyeon finds him stretching on the mats at the gym. 

Sangyeon feels terrible so looking the part is no surprise but he would rather not have to hear that. He sits down beside Juyeon and begins stretching sullenly. 

"Jaehyun has been looking terrible too lately," Juyeon says for no reason at all. 

"Good for him."

"He asked me to go out for drinks at the weekend," Juyeon muses. "He had a real drink too instead of one of those weird mocktails but then he spent the whole time complaining about you. And then when I agreed with him about one thing he had a go at me."

"I don't really want to know," Sangyeon says despite wondering what it was that Juyeon had agreed with. 

"I thought it was worth mentioning," Juyeon says lightly before pushing down on Sangyeon’s back to deepen his stretch. 

When Sangyeon can straighten up, sufficiently stretched and also rather annoyed, Juyeon is smiling, relaxed. 

"Don't mention any pointless things like that."

"Alright," Juyeon says, still smiling. "I won't."

The endorphins Sangyeon expects from his three minutes of cardio and forty minutes of weights don't do anything to chase away the irritation. Coming here feels like a huge waste of time and Sangyeon’s skin prickles until he decides to give up once and for all. 

"Can you ask Jaehyun to call me?" Sangyeon grumbles as he replaces the plates around the barbell frame. 

Juyeon nods. "I can ask him."

That isn't good enough but it is the best Sangyeon is going to get. He leaves Juyeon to take mirror selfies and consider a few more sets of whatever takes his fancy. 

💌

By some miracle, Jaehyun does call Sangyeon. He sounds like he is being forced and Sangyeon supposes he can't even care about that because even if the call is interrupting Sangyeon’s nightly routine of fine tuning his plans for the next day's lessons, it is progress. 

Not huge progress but it is a start. 

The progress feels pointless when Sangyeon opens his mouth and his chest cringes with caution. He hasn't been a good friend to Jaehyun lately, or perhaps ever, and he doesn't quite have the nerve to act as though that is not the case. 

"How have you been?" 

"Fine," Jaehyun says shortly. He doesn't return the question. 

That needs to be fine too. Sangyeon doesn't have the right to complain. 

"I want things to go back to normal," Sangyeon says. "I miss you, Jaehyun."

"Don't say that," Jaehyun groans. Sangyeon waits in the silence, sets aside his notebook and sinks into the tentative embrace of his bed whilst Jaehyun sits on the other end of the line and lets the silence steep. But Sangyeon can almost taste the silence and he finds he doesn't like that. 

"What do you want me to say?" 

"I want you to say sorry. But I know that you won't mean it and hearing it won't make me happy anyway. So I just want you to give me time to pretend that none of this ever happened." 

"And then what?" 

"I don't know," Jaehyun says. "I just wish none of this had happened." 

Sangyeon doesn't know what to say to that. He wishes none of this had happened either. He wants to be able to talk to Jaehyun the way he always has and he doesn't want to have to worry about anything being strange between them. 

Silence follows. The call ends. Sangyeon took too long to say anything at all. 

💌

Sunwoo hasn't touched his food and he has been fairly successful slapping Eric's hands away from his mouth. When asked what the matter is, Sunwoo turns a baleful look on Sangyeon and asks, "Is this our last supper? What proof do we have that you haven't brought us here to get poisoned?" 

Eric's eyes grow wide but the second Sangyeon opens his mouth to defend this meal for what it is — a nice, catch-up between friends — Hyunjun freezes and then coughs and splutters theatrically enough for a waitress to attempt the Heimlich Manoeuvre on him despite his quick recovery. 

"You deserved that," Sangyeon says as Hyunjun sheepishly sinks in his seat when the waitress and her colleagues have finally left him alone. "Stop pratting around seeing as you're already on thin ice."

"I've already said I am sorry," Hyunjun grumbles. 

"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place."

Hyunjun rolls his eyes. "I'm not sorry that I did it. I am sorry that you and Jaehyun are too stupid to get together like you're supposed to!" 

Sangyeon’s head hurts. It takes him too long to work out that Hyunjun isn't apologising for being silly right now. He drops his head into his hands and feels the tentative comfort of Eric patting his shoulder. 

"There, there."

"Why couldn't you all just leave things alone?" 

"Because," Sunwoo says, like it should be obvious, "Keeping secrets is too hard. After finding those letters we had to do something. Why can't you just get it together?" 

"How am I supposed to manage that?" Sangyeon grumbles. 

💌

Sangyeon has been texting Jaehyun. 

The messages have all been ignored but that isn't so far from normal that Sangyeon would be upset by it. Continuing to send messages, useless, boring messages, has simply been a way to indicate that Jaehyun won't have an easy time getting rid of Sangyeon. Just because they haven't seen each other physically, it doesn't mean that Sangyeon is going to let himself be forgotten. 

The plan probably works because, when Sangyeon eventually calls Jaehyun, his call is answered. 

"Please," Jaehyun groans, almost agonised as he picks up. "If you're calling to tell me you've had another letter I am going to come over there and murder you and then I'll kill myself. So be mindful of that when you answer my question. Did you get another letter?" 

Sangyeon can't help but laugh. He has missed Jaehyun's voice and his often disparaging sense of humour too much lately. 

"Actually I haven't. I really mean that, not just because of your murder-suicide plan," Sangyeon grins. Jaehyun gives up on whatever he was about to say as Sangyeon adds, "Is this really so much more embarrassing than when you sent me your nudes?" 

_"Yes."_ Is the emphatic response. "Those nudes weren't embarrassing. They were tasteful and I was very proud. I practically sent them to everyone." 

"Really?" 

Jaehyun sighs. "It was an accident. I thought I was just sending them to one person — not you — but I learnt a lesson in checking for recipients. Why do you have so many embarrassing things to bring up that I've done? You must have other friends who are in love with you and have sent you nudes by mistake."

Ignoring the miserable tone, Sangyeon has some amount of hope tentatively reaching higher as it winds around his ribs. 

"You're still in love with me?" 

"No," Jaehyun says quickly. "I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to be."

Dissatisfaction begins to gnaw its way through Sangyeon’s chest. Of course this was inescapable but hearing Jaehyun's perspective change so much was a lot like hearing him defeated. If Jaehyun was defeated, Sangyeon is too because he hasn't even had time to give potential the chance to breathe. 

"Why are you apologising?" Sangyeon asks. "You were right the first time, when you got mad at me a few weeks back. I'm the one who hadn't even considered taking things seriously. Even before I knew the letters were from you, the first one I had was just a simple admission, and I assumed it was a joke right away."

"Anyone would have." 

"Maybe," Sangyeon hums, "But after I realised they were supposed to be from you, I felt glad that I hadn't let myself hope the letters were real. Especially after that one about the Halloween party. It was weird thinking that it wasn't a significant night for me, aside from having to get Younghoon home safely, but someone had thought enough about conversations I didn't even remember that they would have a big realisation. It sounded crazy to me that a friend, or a friend of a friend, had randomly thought of kissing me. 

"And then the next week the letter was something I did remember. It was such a stupidly cliché moment, me patching you up after a stupid fight. You're not a good fighter, so the fact you even got involved that time to help those random girls was sweet. I saw a new side of you and I wanted to be someone who could ask that you didn't let your morals get you into trouble. But that was a long time ago and there was no way that you could have seen that moment the way I had."

Sangyeon waits but Jaehyun doesn't say anything. Cautiously, Sangyeon says, "Jaehyun, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"I thought that you'd gone. You let me say so much and you didn't even try to interrupt." 

"What am I supposed to interrupt with?" 

"Anything to make me stop talking so I have to listen to how you're still mad at me and you want me to make things up to you."

Jaehyun sighs. "If I wanted you to make things up to me, what would you do?" 

"Take your feelings seriously."

A laugh isn't quite the response Sangyeon expects. 

"You don't need to. All you need to do is give me time to forget this happened and pretend I can be normal around you."

"Jaehyun, you're not listening," Sangyeon says sharp against the irritation building in his mouth. Jaehyun is quiet. This might be as close to Jaehyun listening as Sangyeon will get. "You're not being fair. I didn't know that I was supposed to think of you that way. And now that I know, why are you trying to take everything back?" 

"You weren't supposed to think anything. I was the one who—" 

"Shut up, no, you're being stupid now," Sangyeon grumbles. "If you were allowed to love me why is it different for me? I didn't know it was allowed, that's why I didn't think of you that way. I want to try loving you too."

Sangyeon tries to be patient. It is annoying how Jaehyun had been so keen to interrupt until this point. 

"Say something. Please."

Jaehyun sighs through the phone. Eventually, he says, "I don't want you to _try_ loving me." 

That isn't what Sangyeon wants to hear but he supposes he has no choice when Jaehyun quickly makes an excuse to end the call. There must be something he can do to earn himself a chance. 

💌

"What rhymes with _'prettiest man I've ever seen'_?" Sangyeon asks. As predicted, the kids make noises like they are inconvenienced by the question. Jacob only laughs. 

"Why are you reading the whole sentence? Wouldn't you just need it to rhyme with the last word?" Jacob asks as he idly strokes Sunwoo's hair. Sunwoo looks very happy about claiming the best seat on the sofa and getting to rest his head on Jacob's shoulder. Hyunjun and Eric both look put out at the fact they are deprived of Jacob's kindness and all they can do is sit on the floor and listen to Sangyeon’s struggles without offering any help. 

"I need the syllables to fit too," Sangyeon reasons.

"Are you writing a song?" 

"A song?" Sangyeon repeats. He looks down at his page before screwing it up and throwing it over his shoulder. Jacob laughs through his confusion whilst Eric wails in anguish. 

"You just threw away my line about Jaehyun being a really cool older brother figure!" 

"I didn't even write it down, Eric, what does that have to do with how I feel about Jaehyun?" 

"None of us know how you feel!" Eric wails. "I'm hungry. You promised us food!" 

Sangyeon leans towards Eric to ensure he is understood. "The last time I promised you lot food you accused me of trying to poison you. Also I still haven't forgiven any of you for this mess in the first place."

Eric screams into the cushion he has been clutching to his chest the whole time. "That was them, not me!" 

Hyunjun shuffles closer to Sangyeon whilst Jacob beckons Eric over with the promise of cuddles, much to Sunwoo's dissatisfaction. 

"Are you going to write a song?" 

"Maybe. Why did you sit here watching me try to write a letter that rhymes instead of telling me to stop being an idiot? Why didn't I think of a song myself?" 

"Love makes you stupid," Hyunjun suggests. 

"Why does it have to make me stupid when it made Jaehyun sound like the smartest, most amazing, brainiest, funniest, most intelligent, prettiest man ever?" 

Hyunjun frowns. "Am I meant to actually respond to this?" 

"Sangyeon, I'm going to take Eric and Sunwoo out before they starve to death," Jacob says. 

"Please don't leave me with him," Hyunjun says quickly as he shuffles away from Sangyeon. This fresh betrayal drives Sangyeon even closer to heartbreak but there isn't anything for it. He must accept the way things are. 

"Go with them. See if I care. I don't want you here anyway." 

Hyunjun rolls his eyes and attempts to extricate Jacob from the tangle of Sunwoo and Eric for a quicker escape. 

Alone, Sangyeon has nothing else to do aside from try to think of something good. The problem is that all of his ideas are stupid and simplistic. 

💌

"Can I ask you a question?" Sangyeon asks. There is shuffling through the line. Right now it is late. Too late to call usually but Sangyeon text Jaehyun beforehand to check he was still awake. Considering how things have been recently it is more of a surprise that Jaehyun had picked up the phone at all. He might already be regretting that decision. 

"What did you want to know?" 

"All the letters I saw were really sweet, but lately I have been wondering whether you only meant you were thinking of me in one way. Have you ever thought about having sex with me?" 

"Why are you asking this?" 

"I'm curious," Sangyeon says. "If you don't want to tell me right away, I'll let you know that I have dreamt about you."

"Yes, and I stole the last slice of your birthday cake and you didn't speak to me for a week."

"Not that dream," Sangyeon sighs. "I had a sex dream about you."

"Sangyeon." The warning tone in Jaehyun's voice solidifies the irritation in Sangyeon’s gut. He already knows what is coming next. "I've asked you to drop this so many times. Is that not enough? Do I need to beg you to leave this alone?" 

"I don't want to," Sangyeon says. "Is this it? Do you not love me anymore?" 

"No."

"No what? 'No' you don't love me anymore, or 'no' you still love me?" 

Jaehyun sighs. 

"I'm trying to stop," Jaehyun mutters. "You won't leave me alone and you won't let me stop thinking about it."

"Because you're not being fair!" Sangyeon can hear how loud his voice is getting, but he can't help it. He knows that he isn't being fair either, but he hasn't had the chance to think about the things that Jaehyun has. "Don't you think you're being selfish? How come you've apparently loved me this whole time yet, as soon as I find out about it, you change your mind? 

"You're important to me, Jaehyun. I don't want to lose you over something like this but you're already taking away a part of yourself that I haven't even had the chance to see. Didn't you ever want to share that part of yourself with me? Does the fact that I am interested mean nothing to you?"

"It's not interest," Jaehyun says quietly. "It's pity."

"What?" 

"You feel sorry for me, that's all."

"Jaehyun, no, that's not it!" 

Sangyeon doesn't like this. Jaehyun can escape as easily as hanging up and there's nothing that Sangyeon can do about it. 

The soft knock at Sangyeon’s door is a flimsy courtesy when Jacob immediately lets himself in. He scratches at his arm sleepily as he leans against the doorframe. 

"How's it going?" 

"I hate him." 

"Is that what you're calling it?" Jacob yawns. 

"It was all just a joke, wasn't it? Why else would he be so annoying?" Sangyeon asks. "If I loved him for so long — allegedly for years — I would be happy that he had started to look at me romantically. Why is he getting mad at me about it?"

"I didn't realise we were going to get into this now," Jacob says. "But I can sort of see where he is coming from. Anyway, I have a busy day tomorrow so can you keep it down?" 

💌

"Why didn't Jacob want me to go with him?" Hyunjun whines as he shows Sangyeon the Snapchat stories from Jacob and Sunwoo's crazy golf outing. 

Sangyeon can quite clearly see why Hyunjun would have been an unwanted guest but he doesn't want to mention it in case he is wrong. 

"I can take you to crazy golf if you want," Sangyeon offers. Hyunjun frowns. 

"I don't want to go with you."

Sangyeon feels his heart break. 

"Why not? We'd have fun!" 

"We would not have fun," Hyunjun grumbles. "You'd cheat and probably spend the whole time complaining about Jaehyun."

"Seeing as you have brought it up," Sangyeon says over the sound of Hyunjun’s groaning, "Have you seen Jaehyun recently? Has he said anything about me?" 

"No." 

"You're lying."

"Because I don't want to talk about this. I am so bored of hearing about you and him," Hyunjun whines as he stretches across the table.

"This is all your fault, remember?" 

"If it makes you feel any better, I regret sending the letters."

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't make Sangyeon feel any better. 

💌

Eric is smart. He is so much smarter and kinder and more helpful than Hyunjun and Sunwoo. Sangyeon almost feels like an idiot for not thinking of the brilliant idea himself. He knows where Jaehyun lives. There isn't anything stopping him from dropping by for a visit. 

Jaehyun's face drains of colour when he sees Sangyeon at the door. 

"I'm expecting a package," Jaehyun says. 

"I'm not a courier," Sangyeon points out. 

"I know."

"Can I come in?" 

Jaehyun eyes the guitar case strapped to Sangyeon. "Are you going to a lesson?" 

"No. I don't have anything booked today. No appointments. No plans. Are you going to let me in?" 

Technically Jaehyun does not let Sangyeon in but Sangyeon decides not to get held up on details like that. Jaehyun offers him a drink anyway so that is almost the same as being invited. 

"What do you want?" Jaehyun asks when they're both sitting on the sofa in the living room. All across the floor are tubs of little sparkly things and jars of nail polish in more colours than Sangyeon can even differentiate. 

"What's going on here?" Sangyeon asks as he eyes Jaehyun's suspiciously bare nails. 

"I don't know, this has all been here since yesterday. Stop changing the subject. Why are you here?" 

"I thought we should talk."

"We talk all the time," Jaehyun points out. "Maybe even too often."

"I don't think we talk enough."

"No," Jaehyun says stubbornly, "We talk too much. We just say the same thing every time and because you're here now we have no choice but to fight about it and never speak to each other ever again." 

Sangyeon smiles. "I would be very sad if we never spoke to each other again."

"You're the one who came here to fight me."

Despite how the conversation is going, they are both adults. 

"Be quiet for three minutes," Sangyeon says as he reaches for his guitar case. "I wrote you a song."

"What?" 

Sangyeon shushes him and ignores how mortified Jaehyun had sounded. The song has already been written and all that remains is to perform it. Jaehyun does shush and Sangyeon quickly checks the tuning of the guitar before he strums the first chord. 

_"I love you. Bitch. I ain't gonna never stop loving you, bi—"_

"Get out of my house." 

"I was joking to lighten the mood," Sangyeon says quickly because Jaehyun actually looks serious. "I wrote you a real song. Sorry. Just sit back, give me three minutes, and then we'll see how it goes."

"The three minutes hasn't already started?" Jaehyun grumbles. For all his complaining, he is quiet once more. For a moment, nervousness makes Sangyeon’s fingers freeze on the fretboard but he isn't allowed to be scared at this point. He has read too many of Jaehyun’s thoughts aloud so he should at least bare his own soul properly. 

Sangyeon plays the melody, simple and light despite the odd insistence on venturing into minor chords, and he doesn't once look at the horrified expression on Jaehyun's face as he sings. 

Even if the type of love was never quite the same, Sangyeon has loved Jaehyun almost as long as they have known each other. Jaehyun is someone who Sangyeon finds he can rely on, and he usually knows the right thing to say in any instance. They look out for each other and they get along well and Sangyeon finds himself touched by the little things which make all the differences in life that he hardly notices. 

Life without Jaehyun is unimaginable to Sangyeon. Existence is so tightly entwined and they share a lot more than simply coincidence. Friendship is no less valuable than any other love, however trying out the romantic kind of love with someone who would let him is a fragment of the unknown that Sangyeon can't help but want to grasp. 

When Sangyeon finishes his song he waits for Jaehyun to thaw into a person who might say anything. The space between the last strike of guitar strings dying and Jaehyun finally opening his mouth is agonising. 

"You wrote me a song," Jaehyun says redundantly. 

"I did. What do you think?" 

"It was very surprising? Catchy, I suppose."

"No, forget about the song," Sangyeon says as he props his guitar against the edge of the sofa. "Did I manage to convey things properly? What I have been thinking for the past however many weeks?" 

Jaehyun shakes his head and clears his throat. "I don't know. You make it sound like you love me."

"That's because I do," Sangyeon says. He notices the hardening of Jaehyun’s countenance and quickly adds the remainder of what he means. "It might have been a different kind of love to the way you have felt for me, but I don't think the distance between the two points is very far. Reading some of your letters, and finding out that those were genuinely your thoughts, has made me really consider how I think of you. In some ways, I think I am already at the same place as you. Or I am at the place you used to be if you really have moved on already."

Jaehyun shifts uncomfortably and says, "That's really weird." Weird or not, they aren't fighting yet. Sangyeon still has hope. 

"I know I must be asking for a lot," Sangyeon says, watching the wariness accumulating in Jaehyun's face. "Since seeing your private thoughts, I have worried that you might not even consider me a friend anymore. Can you at least tell me if we still have that? If you're going to rule out everything else, can we please still be friends?" 

Jaehyun exhales shakily and his eyes dart about for escape. This time isn't like all the other failed conversations they have had over the past month or so. They are in the same room, able to see the infinitesimal flutters of hope and disappointment, and they might have to at least call a truce before ending this situation.

Sangyeon isn't trying to be inconsiderate, though he has had to consider that the constant refusals might not originate from embarrassment. He simply wants to know — needs to know. Already he has warned himself that he will have to give up, though putting that thought into action is proving to be tough. As soon as Jaehyun parts his lips, Sangyeon hopes no sound will come out. Despite needing to know the answer, he doesn't know what he will do if he is told that even the friendship they used to have is beyond his reach. 

Jaehyun says, "Of course we can still be friends."

Disappointment and hope both settle in Sangyeon’s chest. It is what he wanted. He should be happy instead of whatever is rising in his throat right now. Sangyeon swallows back the feeling and tries to smile. 

"Good. Thank you."

It probably isn't good. Although Jaehyun is the one who said they could be friends, he looks a lot like he wishes he had said something else. Sangyeon wishes Jaehyun had said something else too but those are likely two divergent sentiments. 

Things should probably be settled like this. They haven't fought. They will still be friends. This is just the end of a crisis that Sangyeon will have to pretend he never lived through. He zips his guitar into its case. He stands and hefts his guitar case over his shoulder. 

"Are you going?" Jaehyun asks. 

"Yes."

"Right now?" 

"Obviously," Sangyeon says. He feels like he has missed something but there isn't anything glaring that is making itself known. Aside from Jaehyun, of course. 

Jaehyun remains seated whilst Sangyeon makes his way to the front door. This isn't as final as it feels. They're still going to be friends. Even if icy dissatisfaction is crystallising in Sangyeon’s chest, this is a good outcome. They didn't fight. They will still be friends. Sangyeon loves Jaehyun, but they will still be friends. 

"Should we do something this weekend?" Sangyeon calls over his shoulder. Gripping the door handle is awful as Sangyeon realises that he won't want to come back here. Right now he doesn't quite want to walk out the front door but he doesn't want to wait for a response and hear Jaehyun agree to this. Even so, Sangyeon adds, "Hyunjun was interested in crazy golf. I think. If it isn't the golf he's bothered about, we could always ask Jacob to—" 

The hand that closes around Sangyeon’s shoulder is too tight as it pulls him around. The harrowed expression on Jaehyun's face makes the dense dread in Sangyeon’s chest sink. 

"Do you like me or not?" 

"What? I just played you an entire song that set things straight on that."

"The song didn't make any sense," Jaehyun says, shaking his head emphatically. His hands tighten their grip on Sangyeon’s arms. 

The song made perfect sense, Jaehyun is wrong about that much. What is evident is how desperately Jaehyun needs this answer. 

Even after trying to plot out a timeline which explains Jaehyun's alleged feelings, things still didn't quite fit for Sangyeon until now. When he thought this was all a joke, Sangyeon was sure that Jaehyun would play the role well. He hadn't considered that, in the instance that Jaehyun meant any of the words he wrote, he would be just as committed to his role as a friend who didn't care too much. 

He cares. 

Sangyeon cares too. His mouth is too dry but he licks at the chapped scrape of his lips as he looks up at Jaehyun. 

"I like you," Sangyeon tells Jaehyun. "I love you."

Jaehyun sags into Sangyeon in an instant. He sounds spent, breaths falling as heavily as though the atomic space between them was a marathon. Sangyeon is gentle as he wraps his arms around Jaehyun. The disbelieving flinch is easy enough to ignore. Lightly, Sangyeon draws his fingertips along Jaehyun's jaw. It works to lift his gaze, to tilt up his head. 

They might be alright. They're friends. They haven't fought. 

Maybe it is possible to admit things that he hadn't known were allowed. 

Sangyeon says, "I'm in love with you, idiot." 

Jaehyun surges forward to kiss Sangyeon with tensed fervour. Feeling greedy, Sangyeon kisses back just as zealously. Waiting three years for a kiss like this seems too long. Sangyeon devours each minute exhale from Jaehyun and little by little he feels impatient irritation ease to give way to relief. 


End file.
